Remember Sammy Jenkis

This is best contest ever. I feel like an athlete. I'm not sure why everybody's turning into a sissy about it. I feel that if I can lose the contest by myself, when I am unmotivated to do it, my prowess in the bedroom will be unmatched. You better recognize I'm a P-i-m-p, you better recognize.

Even Futurama was more optimistic about this type of thing. I quote Zach Branagan "The spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy bruised." Til it bleeds.

Jeff, I'd like to tell you my progress at this point but I'm afraid things might get weird during the Hour That Time Forgot. Alls I'm saying is that I don't want this to turn into an X-Files episode because people are threatened by my total which is sure to have already clinched victory.

[I had to take a break to lose the contest]

And for all of certain people's complaining about getting a late start and what not, I'd like to point out, regardless of who wins the contest, I took all of Wednesday off because I was working like 18 hours of that day. Also, I'm stuck at my parents' house.

If I was David Pearl, I would have a hard-hat on 16 hours a day. Do any of you get that?

What Makes a Man?

I've been toying with the idea of "slow-betting" this contest by not letting you guys know how I'm doing. The plan has been to take advantage of my monumentally late start so that I could hopefully slip under the radar and be the Cinderella Story that takes home the gold. Alas, I am not strong enough to do this. Win or lose, I need some validation right now, and you seem the only group of people with whom I can share the epic achievements I've been making these last couple days. Without a doubt, this is far worse than the previous contest. I can't emphasize enough how accurate TK's "pack of cigarettes" analogy was. This is F-ing miserable.

For a change of pace, here is a light-hearted story recounting an experience I had today. If you're pressed for time, by all means stop reading now.

I had to get some bloodwork done today (the good Lord chose to bless me with a faulty liver). Between previous bouts with this ordeal, donating blood and the like, I really have no fear of needles and such this days. It's been years since blood drawing has left me even remotely nervous, but I still generally heed the advice of turning my head away. I've made the occasional glance, nothing big, and often times they cover it up anyway. Today I decided that there'd be no problem watching the entire procedure. The bitch rolled up my sleeve, tied the doohickey around my bicep, and immediately commented, "nice veins," to which I of course replied, "that's what they tell me." She pulled out her needle and stuck one of the two nice veins that even Helen Keller would have found. My first response was that maybe looking was a bad idea because, for some reason, it already hurt more than usual. Whatever, I'm tough, I played ball. She attached the first tube and hit the valve which should have resulted in the container filling up pretty quickly. The actual result... was intense pain... no blood flow. After waiting for a moment (as if my blood were simply playing a game with her stupid ass) my forearm took it upon itself to shoot the needle out, and spitefully include a geyser of blood. Thanks forearm. She recollected herself and then prepared another needle for the other superhighway of a vein, explaining "It popped out." I tried to act interested as if she had just taught me something, then applied more pressure to the gauze pad because my fingers were getting wet. So, to be sure she got the next one right (instead of lodging a hollow metal spike into my ulna) she went SLOW. Ten careful minutes later, she had a cum shot worth of blood. Congratulations. She said I was done and to go to the check-out. When I stood up I thought to myself, "Man, stood up too fast, a little light headed." As I walked toward the desk across the hall, I realized I was stumbling a startling amount. I threw all my weight onto the table in front of the secretary so as not to fall on the lobby floor. As I leaned there for awhile, I couldn't help but notice that my vision was blurring a good deal. Only when she said to me, "Sir, if you're ready, I'll take that slip now," did I realize that she'd been holding her hand out for quite some time. I can't think of a sincere enough way to express that I couldn't see all that happening, so I thrust my papers into the direction of the voice. A minute went by and she told me I was all set. Another minute or two went by and she said, "Sir, you can leave now." Little did she know that I was insisting on leaning against that table until I could figure out, at the very least, what color her skin was. I'm not racist, I just figured that if I couldn't decipher her skin color, I probably had no business walking around the place. The search for the car and the journey home were also eventful, but this has gone long enough, and I feel the story has already peaked. In closing, I'd like to add that, as far as this contest goes, it's a good thing I'm a switch-hitter.

Couple Thoughts

Since I haven't posted yet, here's one mass-post will all of my thoughts:

1. I'm playing some mean catch up here, but I'm not telling my totals until Friday. I think that's the best middle ground between padding my stats and everyone knowing where everyone's at for the home stretch.

2. I don't care if two contest members are roommates. I live with three people and there's no door to my bedroom.

3. The vast majority of my work thus far has been at work, sans porno. Bow down, bitches.

4. Much like my new-found productivity in the previous contest, this contest is wonderful. I have recently established sexual relations with my new suger mama, and there's no better first (second) impression than when after a couple of hours she calls for halftime to pop vicodins like they were Pez.

5. Are we counting masturbations or ejaculations? I can think of good arguments for both.

6. Tonight at work, I've been on a bit of a "rally." The last time however, I was focusing so hard I'm pretty sure I found Buddha, then nothing came out and I couldn't sit down for a while. I'm pretty sure this is worse for us than the previous contest.

Chafed and scabbing.

half-way point

hey everybody. i just thought since the mid-point of the contest is tonight at midnight, we should all post our running totals. this will help us with knowing where we stand. mine is 9 (right now).

blah

i keep bloggging to the new one and it just goes to the old. wtf.

p.s. does all of this make any of you wonder just how wierd their penis is?

is anyone on this one yet

?

wtf!

am i the only one in this contest who thinks it's awful? i would say that as of right now, i think this is worse than contest I. there's just no joy in it anymore. it's not something i look forward to doing, it's a chore that i want to get done as soon as possible. and it doesn't feel very good anymore- all fucking rubbed raw and shootin' blanks. i thought i'd update on my progress, though, after having some free time before my shower (i'm up to a semi-respectible (but still behind) 9). there that is. just thought i'd share. f u bitches.

The Bound

You people are sick. Personally I don't care how much you're doing it. But forcing me into a position where I am imagining all of you scampering off to catch the last seat on the lotion train is truly disturbing. You all have different outfits on in my dreams in different combinations of which normal articles of clothing are being worn at different times. The faces you make, the single bead of sweat running down your...your...YOU'RE ALL JUST SICK!

words of ad(vice) from TK

Men,

Yes indeed the contest has begun. I stand at 9 for the moment. I just want to recommend, mind you this is coming from the son of a lubrication chemist, KY is damn-near a must if you intend to contend. That said, have fun and get crankin'

You mizrbah sumzabitchis

it has begun

hello friends. i have the spottiest of internet connections here in nyc, so i'm not sure i can post regularly. but i will do my best. yeah- just so we're all clear- contest part ii (inverse contest) began yesterday at noon, correct? that is the assumption i am going on. i just want to be sure we all agree on that. my running total is at 3 right now. i think it's a little respectible cause i was drunk by 300pm yesterday and then went to brooklyn (almost fucking coney island!) last night and slept on a futon with friends. you gotta make your alone time count! that's all. hope all is well. talk to you bitches soon.

I got 5 on it

Has this thing started? Am I the only idiot that spent all weekend in my room wearing sweatpants? I'm not ashamed either way.

sweet, sweet release

i don't think i've ever been more pleased with a kondilas than i was last night. after calling him to berate him for still being in the contest, evan informed me that his long battle had ended early that morning. i was overjoyed and mentally made a date with myself for later that evening. i guess the official contest ended at around 2am last night. it may have ended once or twice again today. i feel so alive.

Update

Quick couple things: My balls have been hurting. I have a date on Friday. I still can't remember what's good about this contest. And, though I originall planned on putting more things on this list, I'll cut to the chase. At 9:08AM EST, Wednesday, October 19, 2005... I was still in the contest. HA.
However not at 9:09.
[tips hat, bows]

fill'er up

I'm just making sure it's documented: I can actually feel the sperm collecting in my taint and ding dong. This, for me, is the hardest thing to deal with after not masturbating after a couple days.

Jeff (still talking about cotton swabs in the pee-hole):
"It really hurt. It was bad....It was uncomfortable. It was horrifying. I was careful not to look, that's the thing. The situation is very odd and I can't imagine making eye-contact with the doctor while it was going on. I just looked at the ceiling and was like 'oh dear, when is this over.' It's not pleasant getting looked over for the old chlamydia/gonorrea but it's responsible. So there's the rub. And if you can spell chlamydia you're like a scientist or something. Oh fucking shit, yeah."

The Horror

while i'm not sure exactly how this anecdote fits into the contest, i'm sure it does. here goes: i decided to head on down to the cleveland free clinic to get tested for the ol' std's/hiv- not because there was any burning/discharge, just because i thought it was a moderately responsible thing to do, since i don't believe i've ever been checked for those things before. i went in naively thinking that blood tests and perhaps a urine sample would be all that was required (if i was lucky, maybe i would get to whack off in a cup.) the visit left me a little shaken.
as she was explaining the test/ procedure to me the doctor lady pulled out a (moderately sized) cotton swab and made it clear that it was to be inserted into my penis. yipes.
as she was taking my vitals, she noted that my bp and heart rate were a 'little high.' she surmised that it was because i was nervous/anxious about the upcoming swabbin'. i surmised she was correct.
so she leaves the room after instructing me to get undressed 'from the waist down.' now i am laying on this table with a paper tablecloth thing over my junk and she comes back in and the procedure begins. she inserts the swab into my pee-hole. i gasp a little under my breath...it is uncomfortable to say the least. she then informs me that she's sorry, but it has to stay in there for 'a little while.' at this point any number of things are racing through my head demanding to be said, but i remain semi-stoic, and try not to cry. but really all i can think about is how spot-on rule 13 is, and how pleased i am that it is in the litany of rules. (13. Never stick anything in your dick hole. Ever.) after a few more seconds/minutes/hours? (it's difficult to estimate time with something in your penis) the swab is removed and the doc makes some joke about that 'not being so bad' or something like that. i laugh half-heartedly, agree and try to say something that is clever and jokey and not-so-awkward. i fail miserably, but at least now i get to put my pants back on.
so that was over and i was wisked off to get some blood drawn and hiv test and etc... everything after that was a fucking cake walk.
so long story short, if anyone is going in for an std test, this is what can be expected, fyi. also, i don't think i've ever felt more confident in my ability to win this contest- nothin' kills the masturbatory mood like a cotton swab in the dick! i guess that's the moral of this story. good luck and god speed.

Dark stretch of the journey

Man, was I feeling so good about this thing a couple of days ago. So good. Couple days ago. Things have taken a turn (as many of you have heard, however I will reit(e/i)rate). Friday night, I shamed myself. I'm still in the contest, but I've lost all pride as a human being, for a number of reasons:

1. I hooked up with an old high school acquaintance and good friend (that's one person, not two). Often times this would be seen as fortuidous. Without getting into detail however, know that it was shameful.

2. This girl had broken up with her boyfriend of 2 years a day prior. Shame, shame, shame.

3. I did manage to avoid some shame by only marginally staying in the contest through the (I believe the technical term is) "dry humping." A small moral victory, however I was tip-toeing the line of ultimate shame. I guess I would have at least found solace in getting off with my clothes on, but the fact that I wanted so badly not to would have left a sour taste in my mouth.

4. She softly whispered for me to lay on my back as she started with the 'ol "kissing her south," exciting me with the thought that in may have in fact ended up being her with the sour taste in her mouth. Then (still mounted, her lips having reached about halfway between the nips and the navel) we (not consensually) took a brief (indefinite) hiatus to "talk" (I believe the technical term is "blue ball" me). Shame, writ large.

I'm sure we've all experienced unfulfilled promises of sexual fruition, and though I deeply wish better for all reading, it's likely some have even gotten this close and still been thwarted. I also know that two of you have gone exactly as long as I had at this time without emission. However, I KNOW nobody has experienced all of these things at once. The next morning (all kidding aside) I was completely unable to stand upright. Two hours later, attempting to piss in a urinal, the bulge of my scrotum dwarfed my once proud member. I actually had to hold my nuts down with one hand, tenderly pinching the part of my penis that I could still find in attempts to aim. Then, in the third hour (of the next morning, mind you, 9 hours after the incident) I felt the need to blow my nose. Horrible idea. Upon applying pressure (in my sinuses, 2 and a half feet north of ground zero), I experienced what felt like actually blowing my prostate out of my own asshole. And I didn't even actually blow, the pain was so immense I had to stop and instead drink my mucus as it dripped down my lip.

Now, it may just be the toll of more than two weeks in the contest, but (coincidentally?) since Friday night, I haven't been able to wear undergarments because my nuts have been so sore. I truelly feel that it would be healthier for me to masturbate. Of course now i've lost either way, as any ejaculation is sure to burn and bleed. It's no longer something to look forward to, but something I have to fight in order to save myself agony. I am actually afraid to masturbate. So, I guess that's bad news for Jeff, because I have lost all desire, but know that I am the real loser regardless. At least you don't have to wake up every morning, feel around, and hope (without any sort of confidence) that your balls haven't popped overnight.

ReCap

OK, here's the recap on the weekend:

1. Yes I too am out of the contest.
a. I was officially out right around 6:50 on Friday, and again around 7:15 the same day. (It was a glory few can imagine, and even fewer have experienced.)
b. I also dropped out of the contest again on Saturday. (also good)

2. I'm still not going out of the contests auto-manually until Evan and Jeff are both out. It's about pride bitches.

I also think that we should make the term "out of the contest" part of the group rhetoric. Example being:

Jeff: Hey Tom White, I thought you said you wanted to go see As You Like It tonight.
TW: Yeah, I did. But when I got home I wasn't feeling too well so I ended up just dropping out of the contest and going to bed. Sorry man.

It will be the new hip thing that all the kids say. I can see it already. In any case, I'll see you fuckers later.

The Contest

I'm out. I'm out because I was lonely and I'm lonlier for it. I hope you're all happy. I hope you are.

Define Irony

Yeah, today was the first time in 12 days I didn't wake up horny. Second wind's a bitch.

A couple of things

first off, i think it should be stated that if you need to masturbate for a medical professional i.e. your doctor says you have to, that act shall not count against you in the contest. secondly, i am glad of tom k's weakness(?) in the contest. i thought he would have lasted a million times longer than he has (as of tomorrow night.) but i am happy for it too. thirdly, there is an anecdote which i would like to share, but red wine has over-powered both my desire to type and also to masturbate (hooray.) more tomorrow.

loSt

I am most certainly suffering both physically as well as mentally. Unlike the Seinfeld episode where George finds his genius in abstinence and Evan's certain bull-shittery, my mind is totally distract. I can't work, or enjoy my free time, I'd be making out with volleyball girls, but I seem to have landed one as a senior in high school.

I thought long and hard (pun not intended to be so not funny) about staying in through this weekend, just because I'm in so deep already, and there's now way I'm ever doing this again. I have concluded that that's just stupidity talking.

Right now I have a glass of bourbon on the rocks and I'm watching baseball. Masturbation is just healthier. Later I might have a cigarette.

Sidenote: Stanely Sharp Shooter Stapler weakest man commercial = good.

Words of Ad(vice) from Tom White

thought this might help you guys still in the contest

HEY MIKE! I’m 15, and I’ve struggled with pornography since I was 12. I hate what lust does to my relationship with Christ. What I do makes me sick, but when temptation presents itself, it seems so attractive. I talk to my dad all of the time about my struggles, and he’s very supportive and forgiving. Yet I can’t seem to avoid surfing the Internet or fantasizing about sex. After I’ve lusted, I feel horrible. I promise God that it won’t happen again. Then a few days later, I end up doing the same things. I feel like the apostle Paul: “For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do” (Romans 7:15). I want freedom from lust. I feel as if I’m in a big hole, and I keep digging in deeper. Can you help me out?
—E.N., Dallas
Lust control is a subject common to most Breakaway readers. Turn to p. 14 and read about one young man’s awesome victory in “Invisible Monster.” But before you do this, E.N., let’s examine a few steps every guy must take in order to find freedom from lust.

As you’ll often hear me say, the key to dealing with this problem is total honesty with God — and yourself. I’m proud of you for taking this first step. You’re not afraid to admit your struggle, and you have the courage to say, “ENOUGH!”

Now to attack this problem, you must not allow it to have a foothold in your heart. How? By being honest about a few things:

Truth No.1: Lust must be “fed” to survive. Prolonged sexual thoughts and desires can’t exist without your permission. You simply cannot allow your mind (and your eyes) to feast on things that fuel those desires. This could mean avoiding some Web sites, magazines, movies and music, for starters.

Truth No. 2: Lust is the opposite of love. The desire to be close to someone special is a natural God-given desire. Satan has perverted that desire, trying to convince us that the opposite sex was created to fulfill a sexual fantasy. We may think we want sex, but what we really want is a friend we can share our lives with one day in marriage. Don’t let your thoughts settle for a cheap thrill when you can save yourself for true intimacy in marriage.

Truth No. 3: Lust will beat you if you play one-on-one. But it can’t beat your “team.” Who’s on your team? Several players: The Holy Spirit (He can give you power to overcome sin — when you ask), God’s Word (God can show you verses to use as an offensive weapon against impure thoughts), your youth leader, a close Christian guy friend, thankfully even your dad. They’ve all faced (or are facing) the same struggle.

blessing?

Sorry guys but I feel a little at an advantage. I know I just started, but honestly I'm just too bored to care. I don't even have the motivation even if I could get an erection, boy, I feel tired. Plus I smell bad. Maybe this should make me go out and have some sort of hot affair, but then the realization that I'm staying in my mother's house makes me a soldier with a puddy sword on a hot day. I think then it's also a blessing that I'm not meeting any hot chicks at all, becuase I'm sure my utter failure with them would lead to a loss. Man, I feel sorry for you guys.

another day...

well, here i am. drunkish, 1-30am. a little surly and anxious. no release. hope you bitches lose tonight. love, jeff

I love me (not physically)

You guys suck. I see this contest as a blessing, my productivity has been through the roof. Do you know how much time I'm not wasting with browsing, downloading, viewing and appreciating pornography. Damn. In the past, even immediately after engaging in private time, I would return to whatever database I was using just to explore all those titles that seemed to have promise but might not have been good enough at the time. After acquiring, previewing and cataloguing all of these, though it wouldn't have been my original intent, with an updated library and having waited the necessary downtime, Round 2 would seem reasonable.

Not to mention I have been approaching and completing tasks with an unprecedented ferocity for fear of my mind wandering should I slow down. The only reason I almost lost is because Trevor wanted me to go to get STD tested with him. His approach could have been labeled "casually concerned/curious." I was thinking recreationally. Having masturbation so far out of mind, I almost lost for the contest for this health-based reason and only because I was thinking about it. I imagine the testing is more of a blood and urine thing, but I wouldn't know, because I played it safe (By no means am I talking about abstinence when I say "playing it safe," I just mean I didn't put myself in a situation where I might actually be requested to masturbate).

So, go ahead suffering, I think I've stumbled across a new way of life. Tom, enjoy your weekend, and I dare say I could still hold-out while you attempt your second time around. Your only hope is that I can resurrect my "game" and get me some, but there have been NO signs of that happening.

Still recovering

I'm not sure why but today has been a particular struggle. And the rest of the world is against me. Sitting at my desk in the newsroom of the Hillsdale Daily News, I can actually feel my sperm accumulating in the taintal area of my parts.

I decided to go to the gym to try and exercise off some of my extra energy. Low and behold I get the basket ball wedged between the backboard and the hoop and the whole Hillsdale College women's basketball team decides to help me get it out.

I throw one of their volley balls at the thing and dislodge it, but that's not before the team decides to prance around me in very tight spandex practice shorts, one in a two piece sports-type bra as they jump up and down trying to reach the ball with their hands.

I wanted to start handing out purple mushrooms, but...well...I didn't. I want this contest to die.

first post...

well, here we are 1 week, 3 days, 1 and 1/2 hour in. today is dragging by. my car is being repaired. nothing on t.v. and all i got is time. help me. -jeff