The Horror

while i'm not sure exactly how this anecdote fits into the contest, i'm sure it does. here goes: i decided to head on down to the cleveland free clinic to get tested for the ol' std's/hiv- not because there was any burning/discharge, just because i thought it was a moderately responsible thing to do, since i don't believe i've ever been checked for those things before. i went in naively thinking that blood tests and perhaps a urine sample would be all that was required (if i was lucky, maybe i would get to whack off in a cup.) the visit left me a little shaken.
as she was explaining the test/ procedure to me the doctor lady pulled out a (moderately sized) cotton swab and made it clear that it was to be inserted into my penis. yipes.
as she was taking my vitals, she noted that my bp and heart rate were a 'little high.' she surmised that it was because i was nervous/anxious about the upcoming swabbin'. i surmised she was correct.
so she leaves the room after instructing me to get undressed 'from the waist down.' now i am laying on this table with a paper tablecloth thing over my junk and she comes back in and the procedure begins. she inserts the swab into my pee-hole. i gasp a little under my breath...it is uncomfortable to say the least. she then informs me that she's sorry, but it has to stay in there for 'a little while.' at this point any number of things are racing through my head demanding to be said, but i remain semi-stoic, and try not to cry. but really all i can think about is how spot-on rule 13 is, and how pleased i am that it is in the litany of rules. (13. Never stick anything in your dick hole. Ever.) after a few more seconds/minutes/hours? (it's difficult to estimate time with something in your penis) the swab is removed and the doc makes some joke about that 'not being so bad' or something like that. i laugh half-heartedly, agree and try to say something that is clever and jokey and not-so-awkward. i fail miserably, but at least now i get to put my pants back on.
so that was over and i was wisked off to get some blood drawn and hiv test and etc... everything after that was a fucking cake walk.
so long story short, if anyone is going in for an std test, this is what can be expected, fyi. also, i don't think i've ever felt more confident in my ability to win this contest- nothin' kills the masturbatory mood like a cotton swab in the dick! i guess that's the moral of this story. good luck and god speed.